When Done Is Not Enough

Sometimes you do something day after day, you try, you’re objectively exhausted by the sheer volume of what you’ve accomplished, your schedule is packed to the brim… And every time, in response to your efforts, a voice from within treacherously whispers: “Not enough.” For full effect, you can imagine it in the hissing tones of Voldemort, or the icy voice of Professor Snape. Treacherously, because this voice is never satisfied, never finds enough in what you do. And even when everything was objectively done brilliantly, the effort gets written off immediately, because you believe this voice is right. Just to be clear: we’re talking about self-criticism here.

Of course, this kind of erasure of your own efforts doesn’t come without cost. You feel joy draining away, replaced by irritability: “I’m falling behind again!” Your mood starts to drop, a background sense of unease sets in, and tension builds. Even when others praise you, the praise lifts your mood for a while, but then everything returns to the same state. And so does that inner feeling of not being “enough.”

What’s the mechanism behind this from a neurobiological perspective? Self-criticism is an automatic response of the threat system: the brain is trying to protect us, but it’s doing so using an outdated method that only gets in the way and diminishes our quality of life. This can be driven by:

• excess activity in the amygdala in response to stress, which puts you on constant guard “just in case.” The prefrontal cortex struggles more with emotional regulation as a result;
• your life history. If you grew up in a high-expectations environment and were sensitive to earning approval, this may have become a coping strategy, one that’s now misfiring;
• simply habit. You’ve become so accustomed to responding this way that it has become your default mode, a closed loop. Can it be changed? Of course.

How to help yourself.

Start by noticing what’s happening. What am I doing and thinking right now? Why do I believe this? Or more precisely — why am I choosing to believe this? I can choose whether or not to believe certain thoughts, especially those that are emotionally charged or that provoke this kind of response.

Where did I learn this? When does self-criticism arise? What function does it serve? What is it trying to communicate? Most often it’s an automatic reaction to some situation or to the feeling that there isn’t enough time, that something “needs” to be done perfectly, and the analysis stops there. The function is to do it as well as possible, but for whom and why? What terrible thing would happen if something were allowed to be imperfect?

What would I like to do and feel instead? How can I reduce the influence of this self-criticism? (If it helps to personify it, you can give it a nickname.) “I’d like to criticize myself less” is a valid answer, but it needs to be followed by specific actions. For example, “I’d like to criticize myself less and support myself more. Specifically, I’d like to learn to notice and acknowledge what I’ve already done.” Some people find it easier to fully separate self-criticism from themselves, imagining it as an annoying character (let’s call it the Grumpy PE Teacher) and interacting with it — for example, sending it packing. In this way, you take back control over your self-directed hostile messages.

Is the self-criticism reinforced by people around you? Do close ones or someone at work criticize you? If so, changing your environment where possible (moving, changing jobs) is the most radical option. What if it’s not possible? One option is to build inner resilience to the opinions and criticism of others (“I hear you, but I have my own view on this”) or to start engaging with them differently. Ideally, your self-worth shouldn’t depend on anyone’s opinion or criticism. Who do you want to be, not “who do I need to be” in someone else’s eyes?

These approaches may work, or they may not. It’s worth trying different things until you find your own working method. Most importantly, remember that self-criticism doesn’t define who you are as a whole. It’s just one part of how you react and the lens through which you look at your life.

If you’ve tried the techniques described above and they still haven’t helped or this is interfering with your quality of life, a psychologist or therapist can listen to your life story and explore it together with you, whether your state might be driven by something else. In some cases, medication support may be needed and that’s nothing to be afraid of.